Forensic Dismantling Begins at Scene of Hobbit Murder

Gruesome scene uncovered at home of "Lord of the Rings" director Peter Jackson

           Yesterday, The Onion reported the arrest of film maker Peter Jackson following the discovery of a gruesome scene where 15 hobbits were found murdered and dismembered. The discovery sent shockwaves through the Shire, early reports suggest that the captive hobbits were held for lengthy periods of time, beaten and tortured often only being allowed one breakfast per day and completely deprived of elevensies. Authorities have begun thorough dismantling of the scene and are preparing forensic evidence for analysis.
          "I've never seen anything like this," forensic investigator William Bradley told reporters on Thursday, "the amount of work needed to completely process this scene could take months, even years. It will be a long time before we have a good idea of exactly what happened here."
           Jackson was found delusional at the scene claiming that he was hosting friends from the Shire and was preparing a feast for his guests. However, several times during questioning Jackson referred to his victims as "filthy hobbitses" insisting that one of [them] had stolen his "precious". As several of the hobbits appear to have been sexually assaulted, authorities are working to recover DNA evidence, authorities are not clear if Jackson acted alone or if there may be additional suspects in this case. Criminal profiling experts believe that Jackson may have been too delusional to have acted alone. Local authorities are also calling in forensic experts from Middle-Earth who have a better idea of the extreme tortures the victims endured. "The careful collection and cataloging of foot-hair trophies suggests more a more organized and methodical psychosis than Mr. Jackson is currently displaying, we suspect that he may not have acted alone in this case" says Sancho Bulge of the Middle-Earth Behavioral Analysis Unit. Authorities are currently looking into the possibility that Jackson may not have acted alone.

"The careful collection and cataloging of foot-hair

 trophies suggests more a more organized and methodical 

psychosis than Mr. Jackson is currently displaying, we suspect

 that he may not have acted alone in this case"

- Sancho Bulge, Council of Elrond, Middle-Earth Behavioral Analysis Unit

          Collection and processing of DNA evidence will help authorities shed light on this subject. "This kind of sample processing takes time, the number of samples we have to process is large and we need to ensure high quality DNA is recovered for forensic applications. Typically this process is automated to avoid human error and expedite the sample processing, we don't want any mistakes to be made in our analysis of the scene."
              Representatives for Jackson have not made a comment to media at this time. A latern release ceremony has been arranged over the Brandywine river in memorium of the victims.

Note: The Onion is a fictitious news source, Peter Jackson did not murder 15 hobbits and is not in police custody. Hobbits are a fictitious character from the fantasy series "Lord of the Rings" they do not exist. However, if they did exist, the VERSA NAP workstations would be able to extract their DNA for forensic applications described above. Pretty cool huh? We can purify hobbit DNA.

Read the original post on The Onion: http://www.theonion.com/articles/grisly-remains-of-15-hobbits-discovered-in-peter-j,34754/
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