Santa's Reindeer Suspected of Performance Enhancing Drug Use

A recent photo of Comet

              It's the time of year that all attention is on Santa and his reindeer; cookies are baking, trees are decorated, the eggnog is appropriately  spiked with rum, and preparation for Christmas night is under full swing at the North Pole. However, this year the attention is on Santa and his reindeer for an entirely different reason. All nine reindeer are currently serving indefinite suspensions from Reindeer Games DLXXIII under suspicion of using performance enhancing drugs. "It's ridiculous!" says Arrow, another reindeer residing at the North Pole, "How can nine reindeer fly around the world in one night? It's obvious that they have an unfair advantage from PED use! How can any of the other reindeer even compete?". This is not the first time that the Reindeer Games have handed out suspensions, most famous is the suspension of Rudolph from the reindeer games in 1939 due to his glowing red nose, an obvious side effect from PED abuse (see Rudolph v. All of the other reindeer, 1939). "It's scary," claims Jingle, one of Santa's elves, "I accidentally kicked snow at Comet and he hauled off and kicked me in the teeth, I had to get dental surgery from Hermey!" Issues with controlling anger is a common reported side effect of anabolic steroid abuse.

"How can nine reindeer fly around the world in one night?

It's obvious that they have an unfair advantage from PED use!"

 -Arrow, an "other" reindeer

Yukon Cornelius addressing the media Monday afternoon

            The Reindeer Games Athletic Committee is currently reviewing the case and will make recommendations for disciplinary actions based on their findings. "All reindeer participating in this year's Reindeer Games have submitted samples for testing. These will be extracted appropriately through solid phase extraction and reviewed by the committee." Yukon Cornelius, chair of the Reindeer Games Athletic Committee, told the media on Monday afternoon. "Until such time as conclusive results have been provided to the committee all nine of Santa's reindeer have been placed under indefinite suspension."
             Aurora Biomed, located in Vancouver, BC, have graciously reached out to the Reindeer Games Athletic Committee offering to lend an automated solid phase extraction workstations for the investigation. "We reach out to everyone at the North Pole in this time of turmoil," said a spokesperson for Aurora, "automation of sample extraction will ensure a speedy resolution to this issue by enabling faster turn around time for sample preparations. Additionally, automation will help ensure all samples are handled with uniformity to make sure that the entire screening process is fair. We want to see a fair and speedy resolution to this issue so the Reindeer Games can continue as planned." Results of the testing are expected later this week. At the time of publication Santa could not be reached for comment.

www.aurorabiomed.com